day after christmas

yesterday was pre's first christmas.  we got up at 8:30 and opened a few presents.  pre was a little overwhelmed so we waited on his gifts until later in the day and a few didn't get opened until today.  what i remember about yesterday? cooking a feast while wearing pre bear in the moby wrap.  i had a lot of fun cooking, i know it sounds martyr-ish and stressful but i like doing stuff while holding pre in the moby.  he ended up taking a few naps while i bustled around the kitchen making a pretty awesome dinner.

tonight the three of us went to hama sushi in little tokyo.  we went on christmas eve and had such a good time we decided to do it again.  pre was a little gentleman again and didn't cause a scene at the bar.  the green muscles, yellow tail hand roll and mackerel were amazing.

once we were out the door of the restaurant and on the street yen noticed his hands and shirt were wet.  pre had an explosive poo and was covered in french's mustard yellow poo.  it was all over him.  i had to change him on a bench in the middle of little tokyo.  poor little guy was shivering and naked in front of people.  we were going to walk around and window shop but we went home right away to wash clothes and give pre a bath.  hopefully that will be the last poop explosion in 2009.

hello!!!!

hi there,

my five-month-old baby boy is sleeping right now so i have a few minutes to post. it's been such a long time.

well, the rest of the pregnancy went great. i ended up having contractions for two nights in a row before actually going into labor. on those evenings where things were getting painful i kept careful track of the contractions with the stopwatch feature on my iphone. on both nights i fell asleep around 5am and when i woke up at around 8:30am the contractions would be over and i wouldn't feel a thing again all day. so on the evening that i was actually in labor i was pretty sure it was another false alarm. again, i kept track with the stopwatch and input the data in my notes app. i got out of bed and moaned a bit on the couch, reading The Call of the Wild and doing a crossword on my iphone.

i didn't wake yen because i figured it would all be over in the morning. finally at 5am i stood up and held on to the wall while exclaiming, "help me!" it didn't wake him up...i had to go over to him and jostle him a bit and tell him that i needed his help because i was in pain. i think i said, "please get up with me, i'm in pain." he got up without a fuss and looked at my contraction times on the notes app. he said, "babe i think we should go to the hospital." i said, "no, it's just like every other night, these will be gone in the morning. i don't want to go to the hospital and then get sent home." for some reason this would have been the ultimate humiliation for me.

yen ignored my requests to keep the hospital out of it and called dr. dwight. he sounded so cute on the phone describing my condition and the frequency of the contractions. when he hung up he said, "i told dr. dwight that you're having minute-long contractions every five minutes and he said, 'well, she should come to the hospital and have a baby then.'" "ok, but give me another hour or so to see if they continue." i said. he went to get the car.

once he was gone i remember thinking how lame it was going to be when they checked to see if i was dilated or whatever and then sent me back home. i was resolved to stay home when i realized i was moaning and holding onto the bassinet for support. i remember thinking, "this isn't normal."

off i went in my enormous maternity pajamas and robe. i'm so happy that we didn't run into anyone in the lobby. on the way there i'd be talking and then OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH i'd have to stop.

once at the hospital i could barely walk. i took several breaks from the car to the check in desk. i remember taking a break at the elevator and looking out the window at the dusky summer morning thinking, "this is the day my baby will be born."

when dr. dwight came in to check my lady business out, i asked him, "do i stay? or is it a false alarm?" he said i was 7 cm and that i was going to be staying. wow!!! i was so proud even in that moment of breathless pressure. i did the early labor and some of the active at home. now i needed to focus up on the dreaded transition and pushing.

for the next five hours i laid on my left side clutching the guard rail of the hospital bed. you know the pictures describing how to use the controls? i stared at that whenever my eyes were open. somehow this kept my mind even and relaxed. i stayed in this focused meditative state up until the time came to push. i'd get out of bed to pee every once in a while and i'd ask yen for ice chips and carmex but that was the most interaction i had with him. all that stuff we learned in birthing class about positive words and back rubs? i wanted none of it. i couldn't even look at yen's face when i talked to him, i think my primal lady knew how to keep the focus and interacting with others would somehow break the spell.

i was so afraid to push. i thought i'd do it wrong or badly and i didn't want to face the music of the whole parenting thing just yet. the nurse checked me and said that whenever i felt pressure i could push. all of a sudden the contractions stopped. my fear literally stopped my labor. i took a few breaths and even apologized. a few minutes later i decided to push. the labor returned and yen told me i was doing a good job.

i have to stop here and say that up until actually being in labor i'd romanticized the whole pushing scene in my head. weeks earlier i made a play list of songs to be played while i grunted and pushed. just now i took a peek at said playlist. first track? 99 problems by jay z and dj dangermouse off the grey album followed by songs my MIA and kanye. i used to listen to this mix at work before maternity leave. i'd imagine the pushing scene of my baby movie and tears would well up in my eyes. i imagined getting down to Boyz by MIA and pushing him out at Bamboo Banga. Celebration by Kanye would play once i was holding him:

Yep, we was praticing

Til one day your ass bust through the packaging
You know what though? You my favorite accident
So go head pop some Cristal

For my newborn child

sometimes i imagined my mom, kelly, my sister and my sister in law in the room with me cheering me on and breaking down in tears at the sight of my newborn baby.

what actually occurred was completely different. the room was quiet. dr. dwight sat at the foot of my bed and if he spoke a word i don't remember it. yen held my hand and i silently pushed with all my might. at first i remember thinking, "dang, i'm going to pee and poo if i keep pushing like this." then i realized that i'd be there all day "sort of" pushing if i was afraid of these things. i decided to try to make the biggest pee and poo of my life and push with everything i had. my next push was epic. my silence was broken with a sound i've never heard myself make before, my hand broke free of yen's grip and my arms stretched out. my body stretched and got long instead of hunkered like it had been. the next push after that freed my tiny son.

dr. dwight placed little pre on my chest. he was all spindly legs and arms. i put my hand on his tiny back and said, "hi little one, i'm your mommy." he peed on me and made the most adorable, velvety baby cry you've ever heard. i looked at yen and he told me how proud he was of me. i knew all along i could get through labor without any drugs so i wasn't patting myself on the back but it felt really good for yen to be so proud of me.

once dr. dwight was done with his part in the game he told me i did a great job and gave me a kiss on the cheek. after holding pre for a few minutes and getting his temperature up i let the nurse weigh and swaddle him. 5 pounds, 15 ounces, 17 inches long. just a little slip of a fellow. once he was all swaddled up yen held him for the first time. by this time kelly, lisa and jeanie were in the room with us. one of them fetched the leica for me and i took a few shots of yen and his newborn son.

kelly came to my side and kissed me. she held my hand and the moment was even better than i imagined it would be. she told me she hadn't been able to sleep that night and that she had woken up from an incredibly vivid dream where someone shouted, "help me!" at around 5 in the morning. i told her that was me. it's so strange how connected we are.

yen and the girls stayed by my side all day helping me out. yen changed pre several times that day before i did. that night yen slept on a horrible little cot next to my hospital bed. pre lie in his clear plastic bassinet. we slept in 3o minute intervals if that. whenever the baby stirred one of us was up on alert. at around 2am i sat in bed nursing the baby when dr. dwight came in. he told me i should be really proud of the job i did that day. what a moment that was. i was finally holding my prize and the pregnancy was over.