here's what i want

how did this happen?

2011-04-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

i haven't written in a while because the weight loss came to a complete stall. i should've been writing because it's exactly what should be shared. i was dieting like crazy and working out every other day so you'd think there'd be some progress in my favor but i actually gained a pound. whatever, it's just one pound. but it's not. it's like all my efforts weren't effecting my body at all. i don't understand it.

the special k thing is over, i think 3 weeks of it were more than plenty. and one week with no weight loss totally killed it for me. i was toying with the idea of starting the south beach diet but no, i just can't get excited about a life, ok a two week stint, without carbs of any kind. and i wanted the gimmicky food thing to be over at the end of special k. i did a search for "how many calories do i need in a day?" after filling in age, height, weight i found out that in order to lose weight i need to restrict my intake approximately 1240 calories per day without exercise or 1886 calories with 30 minutes of exercise per day.

for around 20 minutes i thought i'd be able to track my intake and do this weight loss the old fashioned way. it turns out it would be an almighty pain in the ass to keep track of all the calories. i tried it and it wasn't for me. at the moment any way.

i couldn't believe i was doing it but after grocery shopping i found my old weight watchers point slide and a sharpie and started marking the food in my pantry and fridge with their point values. it's so freakin' easy. the new weight watchers is a serious pain in the ass so i'm not even going to go near it. the way points are calculated is beyond my understanding. the old way is incredibly easy, i did it for years and i can remember so much of it. a banana is 2 points, an apple is 1, veg is 0, and on and on. basically every 50 calories is 1 point and then you factor fiber and fat in and see what you get. i don't know why but it's so natural for me to deal with food in this way. i probably wasn't getting enough calories this past week and my poor body decided to hold onto everything. pray for me that eating more will actually work in my favor. i'm going to ride it out and see how far i get.

9.5 more pounds to go. i'm so close. putting the scale in storage; i still haven't done that, i plan on weighing in on saturday.

ciclavia

2011-04-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

we did it. the whole route of ciclavia. actually, we first rode to barker block to meet some friends, then we made our way up the 4th street bridge to the start of the route. once at the boyle heights park we had some tallarin from the lomo truck. mind you i'd just eaten breakfast and wasn't even hungry. i just ordered food because i was there and the food truck was there and everyone else in my party was eating.

the whole point of ciclavia is to see your city in a new way or in a slower way. instead of zipping by in traffic, we were able to stop on the 4th street bridge over the LA river and take pictures. i didn't even know there was a big park at the end of 4th street in boyle heights, much less a lake at the park. pre had fun at the playground, getting brave with the slide but still avoiding the swing. whenever i pick him up and move to lower him into a swing he curls his legs up like a cat near bath water and says, "no. no." my friend suzan who was there with her family said, "there's no law that says you have to like the swings pre." i love her for saying that.

after carbing it up with peruvian spaghetti we mounted our bikes and struggled up the hill again. well, i struggled, in fact there were a few times on some of the steep hills when i just couldn't pedal one foot further and i walked the bike to the top of the hill. once in little tokyo, we decided to stop at far bar to have a beer. jv and i ordered "black ale" which turned out to be coke and wine. seriously, it was mj juice. once we were lose with alcohol we rolled up to the hollywood finish with enough steam to make it all the way back to barker block.

i love cycling with my family. i'm so thankful to have a shared hobby with my dudes. viva ciclavia.

i lost 6 pounds!

2011-04-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

that's right, 6 pounds gone in 2 weeks. thank you special k challenge. i'm still on it because at the end i still had 5 protein drinks left and that stuff costs money so i thought i'd stay on the plan until they're gone. tonight however, i strayed far from special k and all it's monotony.

i just got back from a girl party in silverlake. it's an annual girl's potluck that i've been going to 3 years running. i brought a salad of cucumber, green apple and avocado. i ate: a chicken-filled pastry from portos, crap dip, carrot salad, kale and corn salad, shrimp with pineapple, brie, mousse, a cupcake, and 2 glasses of pinot noir. now i'm no longer a hungry caterpillar. it was so much fun and i didn't want to leave but i had to come home to calm crying baby. when i was on my way out the party had hit it's crescendo of fun and i was sad to go. that's the best time to leave i guess, when the night hasn't worn itself out.

it's been a couple of days since i've posted so i want to take a few seconds to acknowledge my friend jyvonne and her new-found culinary prowess. she's a genius in the kitchen. i had lunch at her house on thursday and she made an exquisite golden door type salmon walnut salad. then as the meal was closing she decided to fry up some Gruyere beignets. amazeballs. she texted me the next day to say she made them again with an accompaniment of tomato jams.

i'm so proud of the unemployed people in my life who are not giving up on themselves. i know i just shifted gears rather suddenly there but in my mind it was a smooth transition because i was thinking of jyvonne. she now has 2 cello students and is reporting for lesbian festivals. my sister is writing bisexual erotic fiction online and i am crafting to make a few bucks. we're all without "real" jobs and we're all turning to something artistic and of ourselves to fill our days. there's no way we would be doing these things in a better economy.

today i cycled pre and i to the library. tomorrow is ciclavia and i'm so excited, in fact, i'm not having anymore wine tonight because i don't want to be groggy tomorrow. yay ciclavia!!!

home stretch

2011-04-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

i'm having a really good moment right now. my peeps are being featured in etsy treasuries and i'm getting a lot of views. i'm happy that the quilts are finished and finally up on the shop. doing what i like is really excellent. money would be great too.

i'm having some mild anxiety about finishing this special k diet. i really don't want to gain this all back just like *that* you know? i've been looking into the south beach diet and i think that's going to be my next eating adventure. but could i call it the downtown l.a. diet? south beach is so cheezy in my mind. i'm not a cougar yet. only cougars do the south beach diet, right? ok, so i'll be on the dtla diet starting this friday. what i find appealing about the dtla diet is that it morphs from a strictish sort of low carb situation into a normal food, low portions idyllic nirvana. the ultimate goal here is to lose weight and find a realistic way to eat and enjoy food for the rest of my life.

bored of monochromatic eating

2011-04-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

i'm bored of protein bars, protein shakes and special k cereal. on thursday we're going out and i'll eat my first proper dinner in 2 weeks.

today i posted new stuff to etsy and then i felted furiously as i got an order for more peeps than i had ready. tomorrow i'll package and ship. maybe even post a picture before i send them on their way.

husband and son are truly bicycle obsessed. baby wakes up in the morning saying, "bice-cul bice cul." and every time i look over at husband he's looking at bicycles on the internet. i'm going to take pre to the library on my bike on saturday then sunday is ciclavia! hurrah!

hungry

2011-04-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

i can't even think of what to say. i've been hungry all day and i've snacked more to try to keep up with the acid churn in my gut. there's nothing on tv. husband and i have started around 3 films in the past few weeks. we turn them off when one of us falls asleep and say we'll finish it the next day but it rarely happens. i tried watching a dvd today while sewing but i hit the wrong button on the remote and it took me to the netflix log in page. i tried hitting the back button and menu and exit but once you're in the netflix log in page you might as well turn the tv off because you'll never escape.

wonderful weekend

2011-04-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

here's a confession: every day since i started the special k challenge i've gotten on the scale to gauge my progress. i know you're not supposed to do that because it's obsessive and it has the possibility of throwing you off course if you get a bad read one day. today i the scale said i gained 1.5 since yesterday. that's it for me, i'm putting the scale in our storage in the basement until friday. i haven't done anything to gain weight so i'm not worried that it'll stick, but it's disheartening as hell.

at the moment my immediate family including myself is bicycle obsessed. i got my bike as a birthday present last month and i'm completely smitten with it's glossy black paint, brown leather hand grips and the cool danish baby seat in the back. today we went to a bicycle shop in downtown long beach to see what they had to offer in a geared bike for husband. bike shops are the new hip urban shoe boutiques. clean white interiors with a small handpicked arrangement of bikes. i've noticed that the less bikes a store has on site, the more important each bike in the shop seems. it gives the store and the proprietor more credibility when there are a just a few different models. it makes me feel like these bikes are like no other and that i'm in the hands of experts.

after a few rides around the block on a couple of different models, i proposed lunch. i'd been hungry since around 20 minutes after breakfast and here it was like 4 hours later. we went to bubba gump's because 1. it's a kid-friendly establishment and 2. we could have a beer. i ordered something called, "shrimpin' dippin' broth." i think that's what it was called. i had no idea what to expect as there was no picture in the menu. what was set in front of me was a korean style metal pot in which perfectly seasoned spicy shrimp sat in a dark orange broth. on a separate plate there were two scoops of white rice and a small personal- size french bread. the waiter suggested i put the rice in the soup and then dip the bread as i eat. i love dipping soft french bread in anything and this broth was astoundingly flavorful. this was the most decadent eating i've done in over a week. in a addition to the shrimpin' dippin' i had a 16 oz hefeweizen and half an order of chips and artichoke spinach dip. i love lunch. i should make a lunch bag that says that.

saturday

2011-04-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

this morning after an hour of baby chirping, "bice-cul bice-cul" we took the bikes to the la river and took a five mile ride. it was the first time i've gotten a real look at the la river. it's pretty. too bad there's so much litter in the way of plastic bags hanging on tree branches. hopefully one day all stores will require you to use a reusable bag.

after our ride we went to lemonade for some takeaway lunch. i had four different salads: watermelon radish, israeli couscous with mushrooms, red cabbage almond and brussels sprouts as well as a few nice strips of seared ahi. the pastry case was beyond alluring. i locked eyes with a tiny chocolate cupcake with the cutest dollop of mocha cream as its crown. i just shook my head and said, "not today cheri." well not really, i just paid for my stuff in a hurry and scampered out of there, away from temptation.

husband and i are going to try to watch all the bond films. tonight we're watching "Thunderball." it gets boring and action-y sometimes but then it goes back to connery rubbing some random lady with a mink mitten. so that's good.

first day of week 2

2011-04-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

last night i did a bit of research and it looks like the soapy taste in my mouth was due to the sodium fluoride in my toothpaste. i'll paraphrase my findings; if you have a soapy taste in your mouth and no other symptoms then that's good, the other horrifying effects of fluoride poisoning haven't taken over yet. in short, if you have a soapy taste in your mouth, stop using fluoride toothpaste or doing whitening treatments that contain fluoride because you may be on the cusp of poisoning yourself. i guess i should mention the symptoms of fluoride toxicity. here they are: abdominal pain, nausea, diarrhea, weakness, hypersalivation, muscles spasm, cardiac arrest and death. i just came back from the store with some tom's of main fluoride free toothpaste.

this morning i got on the dreaded scale and i've lost 4.5 lbs since last friday!!!!! the jeans are fitting way better but i'm a little skeptical about actually needing to go down a size by next friday. yay me! yay special k diet!!!

it was an easy day. after taking baby to school i went to the gym, did a bit of sweating on the elliptical machine while giving the tv a bit of attention. i've never seen wall street, the charlie sheen movie and it was on bravo so i watched a little of that. the guy working out to my left was watching standup on comedy central. he had it on closed caption so i was able to catch a bit of that show too. the comedian was saying, "why don't girls ever have crazy boyfriend stories? and then i thought about it and was like, ohhh, because if you have a crazy boyfriend that means you're dead." it's funny 'cause it's true.

lunch today was california rolls. i love lunch. oh my goodness. right now husband is eating mac and chee with bacon mixed in and the smell is killing me softly. going to go far away from him.

day 7

2011-03-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

here's how strong my resolve is: today at euro pane in pasadena, i passed up a chocolate muffin with a raspberry compote core, an array of some of the best macarons available in los angeles, a pear tart and two cookies as big as my face. it wasn't all deprivation and diet-y sadness though. my lunch was a pretty large baguette sandwich of fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, basil and pesto. it was a decent sandwich but i'm not going to lie, it was no "my vegan trip through india." still, i didn't feel i was depriving myself, and i really did enjoy the sandwich.

the pastries mentioned above were not just things i looked at longingly in the case, no, these were in fact purchased by two of my dining partners and placed on the communal table to grab without judgement.
the old me would've gone for half the chocolate muffin, a macaron, one whole cookie and a few nibbles of pear tart. i would've sampled everything and after i would've told myself that it was a special day and that this doesn't happen all the time yadda yadda yadda. so many justifications and food lies would have been playing themselves out in my head. the pleasure would soon be forgotten but the mental flogging would've endured. i feel so free of all that food neurosis. it's enormously pleasant to be happy with my self control at the end of the day.

tomorrow is my first day of week 2. i'm so proud of myself for not just sticking to a plan but for my attitude. i feel like maybe i have to go through this time of limiting my choices in order to gain perspective on what i eat and how much i actually need versus how much i feel i need.

i'm getting on the scale tomorrow and i'll also try on a pair of pants that were snug on me on day one. i wonder if i should begin graphing my losses over the next few weeks.

what is that soapy taste in my mouth?

2011-03-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

since around lunchtime i've had a curious soapy taste in my mouth. perhaps i somehow ingested soap...but that doesn't seem probable. lunch was a tofurkey sandwich on wheat, not at all a soapy sort of meal. i don't get it. could it be some sort of side effect from the protein bars and shakes? am i suffering from vitamin overload? if anyone else has ever had this strange bitter, soapy thing going on in their mouth, please tell me.

besides the soap, day six is closing without incident. in the morning after dropping baby off at school, i went for a walk with jeanie and yoko around elysian park. not any sort of hard core cardio but exercise all the same. i used the new "walking foot" on my sewing machine while stitching quilt layers together. it's sole purpose is to keep layers from bunching up and it does so wonderfully. quilts will go up on my etsy shop on monday.

now it's time to watch top chef allstars. if it makes me too hungry i'm going to bed.

cinco de k-o

2011-03-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

here it is the fifth day of my silly cereal diet and i'm really enjoying it. i will add that no cereal was consumed today. breakfast was the protein shake, dinner was a truly delightful, if not small, almond honey protein bar. lunch was spectacular. i pushed pre in his stroller up the hill on grand and 3rd with the intent of going to lemonade for a nice variety of creative salads. let me warn you, if it's a tuesday or a wednesday and you want lemonade, you'll have to go to abbot kinney because the one at moca will be closed. "curses!" i exclaimed with a raised, clenched fist, then i headed toward mendocino farms.

at mf, i was prepared to order the one thing i've tried and quite liked, the citrus tuna sandwich. i decided at the last minute to try something from the part of the menu labeled, "spring 2011." i ordered a vegan sandwich called, "my vegan trip through india." you get a choice of ciabatta i think or honey wheat tortilla. i chose the tortilla. wow, it was as many top chef judge would say, "a revelation." so delicious. the wrap isn't offered up the way many wraps are; cold and tightly swaddled in paper, no this gorgeous sandwich is carefully rolled in a less suffocating way and then set on the grill to get a little texture. it felt like comfort food although i can't say i've ever tasted anything like it. as far as the components on the inside, there was a chickpea spinach fluff? smear? spread? i don't know, but i tasted goat cheese i think and some other really fabulous things. i enjoyed it so much it made me wonder if i'm suddenly appreciating food more because i'm eating less of it.

so far, i'm finding this a pleasant way to eat. lunch, i've come to realize is a more important meal to me than breakfast or dinner. i think bookending that important meal with two nutrient dense small ones is the way to go. maybe instead of switching back and forth from this to weight watchers, i could instead slowly morph the plan into something more reasonable with something other than a protein shake and protein bar for breakfast and dinner. something different but still on the small, nutritious side.

i'm going to get on the scale this friday to see the quantitative results to this new eating style. already my mental state is so much better than it was a week ago. i feel in control and on the right path.

4th day of K

2011-03-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

what i think is funny about my starting a crash diet is that i just read a book with a strong message regarding the uselessness of crash diets. why do i get the wrong message from cautionary tales? it's like when i watched Super Size Me and it made me really hungry for McDonalds. most people were probably totally disgusted and turned off by the thought of all that processed deliciousness after being beaten over the head with the nutritional facts. i was grossed out to a point but c'mon; the pillow puff bun, the meltedy american cheeze, the crispy fish in the fish filet, yum!

my current favorite book, Born Round by Frank Bruni, has made me decide not be fat anymore. what an amazing piece of nonfiction. yes, he did a lot of ridiculous diets along the lines of the special k diet, and yes he gained it all back over and over but hear me out: it's going to be different for me. Bruni finds ultimate success in a brilliant combination of exercise, small portions and variety. i know! it's so rational it's almost crazy. i get it that you have to do something incredibly close to that to achieve a good relationship with food and self-image. but here's the thing. it's going to take all freakin' year for me to lose 15 pounds with that utopian approach to food and exercise. time is of the essence. my kid is almost 2 years old and i still have baby weight. i really need to lose this extra mass before his birthday. my plan is to let the special k diet do the heavy lifting and then i'll coast into victory with the more responsible weight watchers diet. once i'm at my weight goal i'll go on "maintenance" with weight watchers, which is like Bruni's thing only with points.

the k went well today. another milk chocolate protein shake for breakfast, then california rolls for lunch. dinner was the cereal and an orange. snacking happened between breakfast and lunch but it was a lovely little apple. am i hungry? right now yes, but i've been fine during the day, i think this would be hell if my one meal was dinner like the plan suggests.

special k diet

2011-03-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

i think it was just this friday, i was talking to my sister on the phone, bemoaning the .5lb i gained during a week of rational eating. i told her i was just too lazy to freak out about it. she understood but said, "why don't you try the special k diet.?"

i looked it up, supposedly you can drop a dress size in two weeks. and it's so freakin' easy. all you do is replace two meals with either special k cereal, a protein bar or protein shake.

i don't even remember what i'd eaten for breakfast that friday but instead of waiting for the next day, i started the special k diet, or "k" as it shall now be referred to going forward, that day.

today is day three and it's going surprisingly well. this morning i had a milk chocolate protein shake for breakfast. this went in the blender with half a banana and some ice just to give it some weight. an hour or so later i had a big cup of coffee. lunch was tofu scramble, fruit, vegan pancakes and some sort of vegan cracker thing. dinner was a bowl of cereal.

in addition to the saint-like eating, i've been riding my bike and on friday i went to the gym and spent 30 minutes almost dying on an elliptical machine. i owe my body so much cardio. the flab is just ludicrous.

day with shannon and isa

2010-01-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

what a lovely day. pre and i went to visit our girlfriends. i had an amazing lunch with my pal while pre and isa had a whine-off. after lunch we put our babes in papooses and went for a butt-kicking walk in the hills.

pre is 6 months old today

2010-01-13T18:03:00.000-08:00

little pre is 6 months old today. it's 5 minutes to 6pm right now. six months ago at this time i was holding a baby who was only a few hours old. he was a strange little creature to me and i barely knew how to care for him. now he and i are a team. he's my plus one. the pre-entourage jeremy piven to my john cusack. everywhere i go, he goes. even to the bathroom sometimes. right now as i type this he is snug against my chest, sleeping the warm, comforting sleep of an infant. if it weren't for the moby wrap i'd never get anything done.

we went to the los feliz 3 to see "youth in revolt" today. we met our friends claudy and quinn. the boys hooted and made a ruckus together for a while then fell asleep almost simultaneously. the movie was really sweet and funny. so far my favorite mommy and me movie has been, "it's complicated."

after the movie, pre and i made our way through a tangle of cables and cameras in front of a baby store to get kathleen's little girl ellen a birthday gift. i wonder what they were filming? i hope i'll be able to see the shot in a movie or a commercial and then i can say, "that's the day i took pre to a movie when he was 6 months old."

i ran from the brownies

2010-01-12T21:53:00.000-08:00

today pre and i went to a baby and mommy group in hollywood. it was absolute craziness. imagine if you will a large blanket in the center of a room with around 10 crawlers going crazy. pre was having a great time, chewing on toys, scooting around and interacting with other babies and moms. i was looking for a polite way out.

the topic was Separation Anxiety, i really wanted to hear about it because pre will be with a nanny starting in 5 weeks. what do you do about separation anxiety? you indulge the sufferer because they need to learn they can trust you and that when they are hurting in any way you are there to offer comfort. i really love this teacher. she is all about making it ok to be soft, loving mommies and daddies.

after the babypalooza madness on the blanket, our meeting leader went into the kitchen to put lunch out. i was really hungry to the point of distraction. i had brought my lunch because i didn't know the score. i took one look at the food spread and made my exit. here's why: a big, delicious platter of brownies! aahahahah! i made some dumb excuse about other plans, picked up my kid and ran for the door.

it stinks that i let hunger and temptation drive me away from a nice social opportunity but really, i wasn't having the best time. if only losing weight could be easier.

monday monday

2010-01-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

the one thing that stands out about today besides pre's very cute outfit is the nap we took this afternoon. i was feeling a little tired at around 2 so i took pre into the bedroom and we both went down for around 2 hours. i was dreaming and stuff. yeah, it was that kind of deep sleep.

yesterday we visited friends in long beach. pre swung in the bucket swing for the first time. we ate struedel and drank a really smooth zinfandel. i wish all sundays were that special.

the diet...well, for the past two days i've been at about 70% it's so difficult to stay true to it when i visit other people and they have yummy food at their houses...tomorrow pre and i are going out at around lunch time. i'm going to pack a sandwich and fruit so i don't fall too far from my goals. i'm weighing myself every saturday so i have 5 more days to set things right.

family day

2010-01-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

today we walked to moca. i've never seen moca so chock full of tremendous art. i noticed a lot of the artists were born in the 20s in long beach, california. isn't that strange? i would love to take a tour of long beach artists' homes. i wonder if anyone magnificent ever lived on our old block near ocean ave.

diet update: 1.5 lbs gone! it's a start.

blah

2010-01-08T22:47:00.000-08:00

after a week of dieting and moving more i stepped on the scale this morning and realized that i haven't lost any weight. oh well. that's ok. it feels really strict and diety right now because i've made some really big changes in my daily eating but really it's how we're supposed to eat. it's how i'm supposed to eat for the rest of my life. i really mean that. this week i ate a pretty good variety of foods, kept my portions small and even enjoyed a few lemon bars and beers. sounds like a good way to do it to me. so i didn't lose any weight this week; i'm not looking at it as a failure because what's most important is that my mind is in the right place.

pre and i went to target with jeanie for some sensitive skin stuff for pre. he's got really dry skin so i'm trying a few things: double rinse cycle with now fabric softener, aquaphor ointment all over his dry skin, oatmeal baths, california baby super sensitive shampoo. if none of this works then i'm going to have to do an elimination diet because it probably means he's reacting to something i'm eating.

baby boy cried inconsolably all the way home from target. i was starving by the way, totally feeling bitchy and emotional due to the lack of fuel in my body. things got better once we were home. pre stopped crying when i got him out of his car seat and i got some dinner at nabeeya.

i hope tomorrow is a good day.

hanging out with sylvia and ruby today

2010-01-07T20:35:00.000-08:00

today pre and i got out of the house and went to sylvia's. i'm not gonna lie, the diet didn't fare well today and it's all sylvia's fault. all i'm saying is there were lemon bars. delicious! so today was my cheat day. that's fine with me.

look at how cute ruby and pre are together. i'm gonna miss time with my baby mamas when i go back to work.

just a perfect day

2010-01-06T21:35:00.000-08:00

today pre and i went to the mommy and me matinee at the los feliz 3 and watched "it's complicated," the movie with alec baldwin and meryl streep. i had the best time at the movie. pre was such a gentleman. he made two huge poos during the movie so i missed a little bit of it but oh man it was enjoyable. there were a few newbies there today. one lady was there with her 6-week-old and another lady had her 2-week-old. i'm pretty sure i was still in pajamas all day at 2 weeks postpartum. it was her second kid so she was pretty confident.

later in the afternoon i was doing a bit of tv-watching and ended up on the ellen show. it was mindless crap. richard simmons was showing off his new "sweatin' to the oldies" moves. i realized i was missing out on my son because i was watching tv. what's worse is that he was watching too! ugh. i turned off the tv and put some jobim on.

i got down on the floor with pre and played with him. the sun was setting, desafinado was playing and i realized i was having the perfect moment with my baby. i basked in it for a while then i took this picture.

diet update: i'll admit it, i cut a little lose today but i didn't go crazy. used some of my extra points. didn't exercise today. still motivated and optimistic.

day 5 going strong

2010-01-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

today i walked a bit but not the normal across-downtown stroll. i took pre to ralphs for a few things. after that we went to the grove where i bought him some adorable pants. nothing for me yet. we went into jcrew and i got tempted to try a few things on but then i remembered what my body looks like right now and i decided not to. i keep forgetting i'm no longer a size 2. i like my body right now, it's just different from how i'm used to it. my belly and but are big and soft. i have large, squishy hips. i think it's all part of being a new mom and that it is ok. i just feel like i want to be ME again as well as a mom.

pre gets more personality every day. it isn't like he one day stopped being a tiny crying or not crying infant. it's more like a slow awakening. i wonder who he'll be in a year?

last night i had worries about the diet. i felt like my diet was compromising lactation. my breasts normally get a little bigger and firmer in the night but last night they were sad, saggy boobs. i felt like i might have to supplement his diet with stored breastmilk in the freezer but then i worried that my milk production would stay low and that his needs would increase. i ate a little more today and he nursed a little longer than usual so we're back on track.

we walked all over town

2010-01-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

today i wrapped pre up in the moby and we took a long walk. we went to the geffen contemporary museum in little tokyo but didn't look at the exhibit. did you know that the japanese american museum is free on thursdays from 5 to 8? i'm goin' next week. this week pre and i have a date with sylvia and ruby in glendale hills.

in some ways pre is still like a tiny baby. he is tiny first of all, only around 13 pounds. he falls asleep in the moby just like he used to. the other day we ran into another mom and baby we had met a few months ago. the baby is just a week older than pre but he was wearing big boy clothes; a cap, jeans, little timberlands. he was sitting up in the stroller and looked really strong. he's pretty big. i looked over at pre in his stroller. he looked sweet and puny sucking on his binky. he still wears soft comfy baby clothes. he's never worn shoes. today he wore an outfit he first wore three months ago. it's getting way too short for his long legs and arms but it still fits.

now about the diet...i'm still kicking ass!!! yay! day four is going great. i'm not hungry right now so that's a huge win. i went to trader joe's on hyperion today and stocked up on easy-to-make dinner stuff. man, what a huge cluster cuss that place is. the parking lot sucks, you can barely get a cart down the aisle. i didn't really shop as thoroughly as i would have liked to because it was just too crowded. i might just drive to pasadena for the great tj's on foothill.

i'm so glad to be on this diet. i haven't been this happy in a while.

so far so good

2010-01-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

yesterday was kelly's annual collage party. you're supposed to focus on your goals or things you want in the new year and find pictures or text that inspire you. i had pre with me so i didn't spend a lot of time flipping through magazines. i had a pretty good idea of my goals; lose this damn weight, find time to relax, don't spend money like a jackass.

even with my somewhat mobile baby, i was able to cobble together a picture of what i want in 2010. lots of hammocks depicted in the collage (i didn't see that coming) with a smattering of positive words about living healthy.

did you know that nothing makes you hungry like a fitness magazine? i was hungry to begin with and it didn't help that there were pages and pages of food porn in all the get fit magazines i was looking through. on top of that there was actual food at the party. plates of cheese, bowls of chips, a really, really tempting array of home-baked brownies and cookies. i almost gave in to it all. kelly, my angel made me a plate of meatless chicken nuggets. just 3 points for 5 nuggets! i was able to finish the day without crumbling.

this morning, feeling very confident about my efforts, i decided to get on the scale. i wasn't crushed by the number. i know that it is the heaviest i will be in 2010.

january first

2010-01-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

ok so i know this is pretty cliche but on this first day of january, 2010, i have started a diet. i had a dream last night that i was taking the baby weight off and i woke up feeling really hopeful. this morning i was set on it, i decided to start weight watchers again and take off the pounds that are bringing me down.

according to ww online i am allotted 28 points each day. when i originally took off my excess weight around 4 years ago i only got 20 points per day. the extra 8 are for nursing moms. i thought the extra points would feel like a nice surplus but really i'm starving just like old times. tonight i was watching kathy griffin, "balls of steal." she looked super skinny. i didn't catch the whole thing but she was talking about celebrity diets, something about coke and redbull. she said she's hungry and bitchy all the time. it seems like this is the only way to do it. hungry and bitchy.

i'm hungry right now. i just had two white cheddar rice cakes and it didn't fill the hole. hungry hungry hungry. is it better than feeling like a fat failure? yes.

exercise will come later, after the gnawing hunger dies down in a few days. although yesterday and today i did about an hour of walking. soon i'll feel ready to go to the gym and bust it on the treadmill. right now i feel like too much of a big dumpy frump to go to the gym. i know how backwards that logic about staying away from the gym when you really need it is but anyone who has been in my place understands that you have to feel worth it before going to the scary gym.

i used to love the gym. it was part of my daily life. there was a time when i went to the gym 5 times a week. bootcamp, spin class, i did it all. nothing scared me. i was so fit. i felt at home at gold's. i know i'll be at home there again soon but not now.

i must be incredibly optimistic to post my intentions. i'm not a failure. when i decide to do something i do it. i know this about myself. when i'm ready to take something on i keep going until i've succeeded. fitting into my old clothes is a huge HUGE thing to undertake. i wasn't ready to make the commitment until now. i'm back.

day after christmas

2009-12-26T20:15:00.000-08:00

yesterday was pre's first christmas. we got up at 8:30 and opened a few presents. pre was a little overwhelmed so we waited on his gifts until later in the day and a few didn't get opened until today. what i remember about yesterday? cooking a feast while wearing pre bear in the moby wrap. i had a lot of fun cooking, i know it sounds martyr-ish and stressful but i like doing stuff while holding pre in the moby. he ended up taking a few naps while i bustled around the kitchen making a pretty awesome dinner.

tonight the three of us went to hama sushi in little tokyo. we went on christmas eve and had such a good time we decided to do it again. pre was a little gentleman again and didn't cause a scene at the bar. the green muscles, yellow tail hand roll and mackerel were amazing.

once we were out the door of the restaurant and on the street yen noticed his hands and shirt were wet. pre had an explosive poo and was covered in french's mustard yellow poo. it was all over him. i had to change him on a bench in the middle of little tokyo. poor little guy was shivering and naked in front of people. we were going to walk around and window shop but we went home right away to wash clothes and give pre a bath. hopefully that will be the last poop explosion in 2009.

hello!!!!

2009-12-20T21:50:00.000-08:00

hi there,

my five-month-old baby boy is sleeping right now so i have a few minutes to post. it's been such a long time.

well, the rest of the pregnancy went great. i ended up having contractions for two nights in a row before actually going into labor. on those evenings where things were getting painful i kept careful track of the contractions with the stopwatch feature on my iphone. on both nights i fell asleep around 5am and when i woke up at around 8:30am the contractions would be over and i wouldn't feel a thing again all day. so on the evening that i was actually in labor i was pretty sure it was another false alarm. again, i kept track with the stopwatch and input the data in my notes app. i got out of bed and moaned a bit on the couch, reading The Call of the Wild and doing a crossword on my iphone.

i didn't wake yen because i figured it would all be over in the morning. finally at 5am i stood up and held on to the wall while exclaiming, "help me!" it didn't wake him up...i had to go over to him and jostle him a bit and tell him that i needed his help because i was in pain. i think i said, "please get up with me, i'm in pain." he got up without a fuss and looked at my contraction times on the notes app. he said, "babe i think we should go to the hospital." i said, "no, it's just like every other night, these will be gone in the morning. i don't want to go to the hospital and then get sent home." for some reason this would have been the ultimate humiliation for me.

yen ignored my requests to keep the hospital out of it and called dr. dwight. he sounded so cute on the phone describing my condition and the frequency of the contractions. when he hung up he said, "i told dr. dwight that you're having minute-long contractions every five minutes and he said, 'well, she should come to the hospital and have a baby then.'" "ok, but give me another hour or so to see if they continue." i said. he went to get the car.

once he was gone i remember thinking how lame it was going to be when they checked to see if i was dilated or whatever and then sent me back home. i was resolved to stay home when i realized i was moaning and holding onto the bassinet for support. i remember thinking, "this isn't normal."

off i went in my enormous maternity pajamas and robe. i'm so happy that we didn't run into anyone in the lobby. on the way there i'd be talking and then OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH i'd have to stop.

once at the hospital i could barely walk. i took several breaks from the car to the check in desk. i remember taking a break at the elevator and looking out the window at the dusky summer morning thinking, "this is the day my baby will be born."

when dr. dwight came in to check my lady business out, i asked him, "do i stay? or is it a false alarm?" he said i was 7 cm and that i was going to be staying. wow!!! i was so proud even in that moment of breathless pressure. i did the early labor and some of the active at home. now i needed to focus up on the dreaded transition and pushing.

for the next five hours i laid on my left side clutching the guard rail of the hospital bed. you know the pictures describing how to use the controls? i stared at that whenever my eyes were open. somehow this kept my mind even and relaxed. i stayed in this focused meditative state up until the time came to push. i'd get out of bed to pee every once in a while and i'd ask yen for ice chips and carmex but that was the most interaction i had with him. all that stuff we learned in birthing class about positive words and back rubs? i wanted none of it. i couldn't even look at yen's face when i talked to him, i think my primal lady knew how to keep the focus and interacting with others would somehow break the spell.

i was so afraid to push. i thought i'd do it wrong or badly and i didn't want to face the music of the whole parenting thing just yet. the nurse checked me and said that whenever i felt pressure i could push. all of a sudden the contractions stopped. my fear literally stopped my labor. i took a few breaths and even apologized. a few minutes later i decided to push. the labor returned and yen told me i was doing a good job.

i have to stop here and say that up until actually being in labor i'd romanticized the whole pushing scene in my head. weeks earlier i made a play list of songs to be played while i grunted and pushed. just now i took a peek at said playlist. first track? 99 problems by jay z and dj dangermouse off the grey album followed by songs my MIA and kanye. i used to listen to this mix at work before maternity leave. i'd imagine the pushing scene of my baby movie and tears would well up in my eyes. i imagined getting down to Boyz by MIA and pushing him out at Bamboo Banga. Celebration by Kanye would play once i was holding him:

Yep, we was praticing

Til one day your ass bust through the packaging
You know what though? You my favorite accident
So go head pop some Cristal

For my newborn child

sometimes i imagined my mom, kelly, my sister and my sister in law in the room with me cheering me on and breaking down in tears at the sight of my newborn baby.

what actually occurred was completely different. the room was quiet. dr. dwight sat at the foot of my bed and if he spoke a word i don't remember it. yen held my hand and i silently pushed with all my might. at first i remember thinking, "dang, i'm going to pee and poo if i keep pushing like this." then i realized that i'd be there all day "sort of" pushing if i was afraid of these things. i decided to try to make the biggest pee and poo of my life and push with everything i had. my next push was epic. my silence was broken with a sound i've never heard myself make before, my hand broke free of yen's grip and my arms stretched out. my body stretched and got long instead of hunkered like it had been. the next push after that freed my tiny son.

dr. dwight placed little pre on my chest. he was all spindly legs and arms. i put my hand on his tiny back and said, "hi little one, i'm your mommy." he peed on me and made the most adorable, velvety baby cry you've ever heard. i looked at yen and he told me how proud he was of me. i knew all along i could get through labor without any drugs so i wasn't patting myself on the back but it felt really good for yen to be so proud of me.

once dr. dwight was done with his part in the game he told me i did a great job and gave me a kiss on the cheek. after holding pre for a few minutes and getting his temperature up i let the nurse weigh and swaddle him. 5 pounds, 15 ounces, 17 inches long. just a little slip of a fellow. once he was all swaddled up yen held him for the first time. by this time kelly, lisa and jeanie were in the room with us. one of them fetched the leica for me and i took a few shots of yen and his newborn son.

kelly came to my side and kissed me. she held my hand and the moment was even better than i imagined it would be. she told me she hadn't been able to sleep that night and that she had woken up from an incredibly vivid dream where someone shouted, "help me!" at around 5 in the morning. i told her that was me. it's so strange how connected we are.

yen and the girls stayed by my side all day helping me out. yen changed pre several times that day before i did. that night yen slept on a horrible little cot next to my hospital bed. pre lie in his clear plastic bassinet. we slept in 3o minute intervals if that. whenever the baby stirred one of us was up on alert. at around 2am i sat in bed nursing the baby when dr. dwight came in. he told me i should be really proud of the job i did that day. what a moment that was. i was finally holding my prize and the pregnancy was over.

34 weeks and 4 days

2009-06-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

when will the time come that i will hate being pregnant? every lady with kids tells me this will happen but i'm still loving the whole thing. i am constantly rubbing my belly and sending the baby love. i don't think my skin has ever been so moisturized. every time he moves i am astounded by the fact that i have a little person inside me growing and getting stronger.

i can't wait to be done with work (5 and a half more weeks) but i'm a little sad that my pregnancy is almost over. i'm really going to miss it. i'm just not ready for it to be over, i'm so glad i have another 6 weeks to savor the magic of it all.

nesting continues

2009-05-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

yen building the crib

i can't wait to finally have baby cove totally finished. that is when i'm going to post the before and after pics. until then, look at yen putting the crib together. he did a beautiful job of the crib and almost immediately after finishing it, he put the dresser together.

catching up

2009-05-24T13:54:00.001-07:00

gold's gym baby shower

so this is the baby shower i mentioned over a month ago. it was great. see my friend margie in the green standing next to me? she has run 5 marathons and told the best birth story i've ever heard. when she went into labor, the hospital sent her home thinking that it was false labor. she proceeded to go through active labor at home all night and later in the bathroom she pushed her baby out while holding on to the towel rack. her husband caught the baby and cleared his passage way, made sure he was breathing and called an ambulance. there. wasn't that a good story? it just shows how tough margie is. look, i think you can see her abs through her shirt.

this weekend

2009-04-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

this weekend is going to be awesome. tonight y and i are going out with our friends to bottega louie. i know i can't drink but it's nice to be with people who are melting the crappy week away with a glass of red. i can totally empathize and it calms me down too. bl has my favorite non-alcoholic beverage: san pellegrino aranciata. it will be three couples including y and i which is a nice group. we haven't all gotten together for dinner in a while. i hope the service is good tonight, we've been raving about it for a week to our friends.

on saturday my girlfriends at the gym are throwing me a shower. my FIRST EVER BABY SHOWER. the next rite of passage after getting married. i'm so excited to just hang out with everyone. i am so touched that they have all gone to the trouble to celebrate my pregnancy. the plan is to take tons of photos so i can post something interesting on monday.

i'm becoming friends with a new girl at the gym, kim. she is taking the scary bootcamp class i took last year. i asked her what she is doing this weekend and she told me her friends are throwing her a bridal shower and bachellorette party!! both of us are having these amazing celebrations honoring huge changes in our lives.

saturday night i'm going to kelly's for a sleepover. not like a huge slumber party where i'd bring my star wars sleeping bag. just kelly, her roomie and i. we haven't spent much time together so this will be a nice catch up. on sunday we're going to monrovia to visit our friend laura. whew!

it's so nice to not have to paint or clean or take junk to st. vincent's. btw, i'll post pics of baby cove soon. i've been procrastinating because i want to do a whole "before and after" thing and that's a lot of picture posting for after work when i'm busy being lazy on the sofa.

26 weeks, 3 days

2009-04-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

every time yen takes my picture i think, "jeez, i look huge!" but then i look back on that same photo several weeks later and i realize i'm pretty small. will this giant belly look relatively tame to me in three more weeks? i can't imagine. still no stretch marks. fingers crossed!!!

welcome to the world little Mia

2009-04-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

my pregnancy buddy, erin had her little girl mia on wednesday morning at 10am or so. mia is absolutely gorgeous, this iphone photo doesn't do her any justice. she has adorable little pink lips and a lovely head of hair. she was quite a lot to push out at 7lbs, 14oz but erin is a tough cookie and she kept at it for around an hour and a half.

erin had planned to be induced on tuesday night at 8pm. she went to the hospital and was already having some contractions before the doctor even touched her. a little while later her water broke. so, lucky for her no inducing. i'm still learning about labor and delivery but i've heard being induced is not fun. my mom said you go from nothing to hard labor really quickly. it doesn't sound good.

i was able to try one of the calming methods my friends mike and tanya told me about. they said that babies like to be kind of moved around rhythmically in conjunction with the sound, "shh shhh shhh shhh." it's not that you're rudely shushing the baby, it's more like you're trying to replicate some of the womb sounds the baby has been hearing. when erin handed me her daughter, she started fussing right away. the moving and shh shh shh worked like a charm.

a few months ago my mom told me that holding a newborn for a sustained amount of time is hard work on your arms. i have to admit i was skeptical of this. i used to work out and i'm used to being strong in the arm region. ok no. after holding mia for around 15 minutes my biceps felt wrecked. i called yen right away from the hospital parking lot and told him that we need to start doing bicep curls at night. i'm going to get up a little early tomorrow morning so i can add arms to my workout.

erin's longshoreman husband steve won't have any trouble carrying this little bundle around but i predict erin will have some pretty sore arms for the next few weeks until she builds popeye-like muscles. congratulations erin and steve!! you made one beautiful little girl.

my awesome husband

2009-04-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

last night, or this morning rather, at 2am i heard yen shuffling around in the kitchen putting something in the toaster oven. he does this sometimes, wakes up and realizes he's starving. i didn't think anything of it and tried to go back to sleep.

this afternoon he told me he woke up at 2am worried about my pushing a baby out. he was thinking, "man, she's going to need some pain medication for that." i'm so touched by his empathy. he's exactly what i need him to be right now. it helps when someone shares the worry with you, it takes some of it away.

this guy has two copies of a book entitled The Expectant Father. i've looked through it to see what it's telling new dads-to-be. it's a sort of month to month explanation of mood swings and body changes. it also addresses some of the common concerns that weigh heavy on new dads. y hasn't cracked the book once. and that's ok! i don't need him to be obsessed with all the ongoing changes to my body. i keep him abreast of that already (hey oh.) i need him to tell me i look pretty, take pictures of my growing bump, and share in the scariness that is to be my labor.

due date coincidence

2009-04-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

today i noticed that my cream cheese has the same exact expiration date as my pregnancy due date. i guess that means this baby is coming soon. cream cheese doesn't last forever. i wouldn't be posting this if i found the exact due date on a can of soup or something. soup lasts for years. i think. anyhow, this find made me so happy this morning.

besides the refrigerator treasure, i had an appointment with dr. dwight this morning. i really like him and i'm so glad he's my dr. first of all, he remembered our baby's name--EVEN the middle name. he also made me feel like the best looking pregnant lady out there. i was concerned about my weight gain and he said, "you're such a girl." he said the other moms will hate me at our childbirth classes because i have a nice round baby belly and the rest of me looks normal. ahhhhh. so sweet!

i asked the dr. about sleeping on my back and if that really was forbidden right now. he said sleeping on my back is just fine. tonight is going to be awesome. i'm going to sleep so well with out worrying that i'm cutting off little one's blood supply.

i love my little baby already. i try to picture his pose in my belly. every time he moves i feel magic.

suddenly i'm the princess and the pea

2009-04-03T21:20:00.001-07:00

it's official, i've turned that corner where i'm now the pregnant woman who can't get comfortable at night. i thought i was there a few weeks ago, but no. my sides are really sore from laying on them all the time. i would love to lay on my back but apparently that is verboten.

a couple of nights ago i was so sore and frustrated i ended up going to the much softer couch. our bed is a good bed but i just needed a little extra fluff. still, i ended up doing a crossword puzzle on my iphone before drifting off at 4am even with the comfy sofa.

it would be so sad if i were to leave the marital bed until the baby is born so last night i layered my side of the bed with lots of big fluffy comforters. ahhhh....relief! for a little while. at first the downy pillow puff of my side of the bed was like a giant cloud. then after a half-hour i started feeling the old pain in my side.

part of the problem has to be my keyed-up brain. i miss wine. i'm going to stop complaining about this and start taking a bath or something before attempting to go to bed. there's no way my pillow puff bed could be that uncomfortable. i'll say it. i'm a little crazy right now.

23 weeks

2009-03-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

yen took this picture on saturday, i was 23 weeks and 2 days. i feel so much bigger than this picture shows. i'm just not used to all this extra weight (16.5 lbs) all in front. i'm walking differently and constantly surprised by my new shape when i pass a mirror.

the gym

2009-03-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to experience that shitty time in pregnancy when you can't get comfortable for an entire night's sleep. last night i had a towel folded up under my right hip so i wouldn't put pressure on the main blood vessel in my back. i also had a throw pillow under my normal pillow so i could read without feeling like i was suffocating.

i slept for several hours then awoke at 4:45 as i seem to do almost every morning. this time y was awake too and had his laptop in bed. what is actually the dimmest of light settings on the monitor feels like a lighthouse beacon when you're trying to win the insomnia war.

the alarm clock went off an hour later.

i think the thing that got my biscuit to the gym was the thought of the good water pressure in the shower. the shower at my loft is really weak and it takes a lot of time to rinse conditioner out of my hair. the gym shower is no joke, that water hits you and you're clean really fast. oh and the fact that my car was parked on the street and would have to be moved by 8am or i'd be the recipient of a $40+ ticket was also incentive.

once i'm at gold's i feel so good. this morning i jogged for a mile and a half on the treadmill next to my friend margie, who by the way is throwing me a baby shower with all the gym girls next month. i love that i've been going to a gym so regularly that i have formed friendships there.

the jogging made me feel like myself again and not like the person who was struggling in bed with a huge belly. i feel like me when i exercise. don't get me wrong, i absolutely love being pregnant but my time at the gym is totally mine and not a time when i'm obsessively reading about my baby's progress in the womb or mentally listing everything i need to do to get his crib area ready.

in the locker room all the regulars i've known for a while said nice things to me about my growing belly and how it doesn't look like i've put on weight anywhere else. that kind of encouragement and love is so worth getting out of bed for.

yen felt the baby move

2009-03-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

on tuesday night i felt little one kicking around and being so active i could see my belly jumping. for the first time i put y's hand on my belly and he felt all the activity that was going on. it was monumental in my pregnancy world.

i'm getting so used to all the movement, it's really a wonder being pregnant. i feel like it's going too fast now. my 6th month just began and once it's over, i'll be in the 3rd trimester. every day is take your baby to work day for me and i love that. i get to have my teeny bambino and my job. my last day of work for several months will be july 10th. after that i'll be waiting for labor and then soon after i will be a mom. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!! it's a little scary sometimes.

nesting has started

2009-03-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

this weekend y and i cleaned out the living room closet where the baby is going to go. that sounds horrible. i'll post pictures but basically it goes like this: we live in a 1,000 sq ft loft. there is no extra room to be made for our little butter bun except in places like our living room closet. the doors came off this weekend and the shelf was torn out. the space where our closet was will become "baby cove" over the next few months.

i ordered flor and wallpaper samples on monday but so much needs to be done to that little space before we can kit it out with the crib and dresser/ changing table. when i ripped the shelf out a small patch of drywall came off. woops. apparently one end of the shelf was affixed to the wall with industrial glue. we also need to prime and paint a cement pillar that is right next to the designated crib area. we would keep it naked but the bits of cement are shedding all over the place and we'd end up giving our kid asthma or something just because we wanted to keep his living space loft-like and industrial.

the amount of junk that came out of the closet and our basement storage is astounding. right now a huge portion of it is piled up in the basement with a note attached to a box pleading patience from our neighbors and promising its removal by saturday. last night i went to the basement to throw out some recycling and noticed that not only are people taking things from the pile (yay!) but they are also adding to the pile (boo!) what to do? apparently the urge to add to a mass of junk is irresistible.

i felt the baby move!

2009-02-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

this morning while reading my email i felt a quick bumping in my lower belly. it felt like soft, unpainful gas or very subtle inward farting. my sister said it would feel like butterfly wings fluttering so that's what i'd been waiting for. i sent y an i.m. right away to tell him and just the act of writing, "i felt something!" made me cry a little.

i'm a little freaked out about how much weigh i've gained

2009-02-03T11:24:00.001-08:00

this morning before going to the gym i stepped on the scale. holy moly. how did i gain 2 lbs in less than a week? according to my research, after the first trimester, you're supposed to gain a mere pound per week until the baby is born. i'm in my 17th week and i've already gained 8lbs. shit. i have 23 weeks to go. so 23 plus 8 is 33 lbs. that's ok but...dang. i read that a weight gain of 25lbs to 35lbs is fine so i'm still ok...i just can't be putting on multiple lbs each week.

here's the truth: i've been eating horribly. and by horribly i mean mostly carbs, little protein and trace amounts of vegetables. yesterday for example i had a giant (but healthy) bowl of bran flakes, at lunch i had a turkey sandwich...but then after lunch i had a chocolate croissant, then fruit, then granola then cheezits...then pasta for dinner... the scale this morning gave me the wake-up i needed. this is not a time to starve myselff but it isn't a time to go absolutely crazy and forget all i know about nutrition.

a lot of people say, "but you're pregnant, you can eat whatever you want right now. the baby needs it." these people are enablers or they just want to see you get really fat and have trouble taking it off after the bambino arrives. no, actually i believe it is coming from a good place, they just don't know that i actually thrive on that kind of reasoning when i'm making excuses for my bad eating.

i just read that pregnant women need to increase their daily intake by 300 calories. i think i've been increasing my daily intake with the wrong kinds of foods. this week i'm really going to focus on eating more vegetables and protein. i think i'll get my sara foster cookbook out...

it's a boy!

2009-02-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

last friday at my awesome new dr.'s appointment y and i got to see our little peanut. dr. dwight asked, "do you guys want to know what it is?" and we both, or maybe it was just me, practically yelled, "yes! we HAVE to know!" after rolling the jellied apparatus around on my belly for a few seconds he clicked something on the keyboard to freeze the frame and showed us that IT'S A BOY!!!!!

i teared up a little because it makes it all so real now. i'm so happy! our little guy is apparently very active in the womb. he was rolling all around, doing somersaults and moving his little arms. i keep waiting to feel the "flutters" in my belly but so far i'm just feeling stretching and minor discomfort.

as soon as i found out i was pregnant a few months ago i tried picturing my baby. the image that always comes to me is a tiny little boy in a black onesie. dont' get me wrong, i adore baby girls but i could never picture my having one. i don't know why. that first week of knowing i was pregnant was so electrically charged, i was so weirded out and excited. it calmed me to know that i would have a little boy at the end of it. i told y that it was a boy and he said, "it's 50/50." of course that's true but i just KNEW.

it's a comfort to be right about this, i don't have to switch gears in my mind about the child i'm carrying. i knew who was in there from the first minutes.

*ultrasound pictures to come

my awesome new doctor

2009-02-02T10:44:00.001-08:00

last friday, y and i met my third and final ob gyn, dr. mark dwight. his waiting room at good samaritan is very cozy. an amazing change from the last two waiting rooms we've sat in. there were a few people in there waiting with us that looked to be about our age/downtown demographic and it made us feel we were finally in the right place.

i first saw dr. dwight in the waiting room holding someone's infant, proclaiming what a feminine beauty she was. i couldn't believe this would be my dr.! he seemed so friendly and into his job. what a dream come true.

i'm so glad that i decided to have a natural delivery, if i hadn't i wouldn't have bothered changing dr.s and would have never landed at such a good hospital. dr. dwight said i can labor in the tub at the hospital and can walk around as much as i want. he also put my fears to rest about coming to the hospital too early in labor. i've always thought that if you go in early and are there for hours eventually some nurse or other will get fed up and start you on drugs to speed up labor but he said that would not be the case.

the appointment ended with a wonderfully telling ultrasound. that deserves it's own post. i'm so glad we got to see our little peanut.

some thoughts on red velvet cupcakes

2009-01-28T19:17:00.001-08:00

*this is not the cupcake that damani talks about

several weeks ago i sent a text to my bff in ny, damani. for some reason i was directing my scary pregnancy hormones at the poor defenseless red velvet cupcake. i happen to really despise red velvet cake and i was wondering how he felt about it. here is the text i sent him on january 8th:

"i feel like i could create a whole blog about how i feel like the only person on earth who doesn't like red velvet cupcakes. reasons: 1. disgusting amount of red food coloring and yes you can taste it. 2. so over done! they're such a scenestery, trendy food. so last year. "

wow. bitchy right? i still stand by the too much food coloring gripe. i was just reading a recipe and it calls for two bottles of red no 40. gross!!!! i HATE the taste of red food coloring. aren't you guys repulsed by it? i don't get it. how can i be the only one tasting the weird chemical ear-wax of red dye?!

ok, breathe....i'm done with the rant. after 20 days, damani replied to my text in an email. please welcome guest blogger, damani moyd:

Dear Tess,

So, I finally have some input on the whole red velvet issue you texted me bout several weeks ago. I wasn't sure of my feelings about this supposedly delicious treat. Alls I know is that everybody and their Oprah goes on and on and on about it, and I personally never really got it either. Every red velvet cake i ever ate tasted like easter-egg water.

Before today...

Today I was sent on an errand to pick up an order from Pinini, a local bakery known for it's SUPERB cupcakes. I am warmly greeted and after exchanging small pleasantries, I start checking the order. Chocolate chip, check. Pistachio, yep. Banana nut, an order of five. AND...and, in a box all of their own: red velvet.

I think nothing of them. Not even on the radar. So I was surprised when Lorraine (baker of said cupcakes) asked me in a coquettishly leading voice, "Have you ever had our red velvet cupcakes?" "We're known for them." Have I HAD them? Like were they sluts known to sailors on leave, legendary for their ability to turn the most loyal of men against their girlfriends and wives, she asked me if I'd HAD them. "Actually, I'm not a big fan of red velvet." The look on her face was a combination of hurt and anger, which slowly morphed into an eroticized resolve.

"Our red velvet cupcakes are the best in New York City. I would say the best in the world but there IS no world outside New York City." I was horrified by her arrogance. Yet as the aroma of sweet salvation lay at my feet, buckling my knees, I KNEW.

I awakened from my food coma, lying in an alley feeling debased and de-bunked. Having just eaten a cupcake that can only be described as indescribable, I wondered what this Lorraine woman had endured in her life to be so wise, so RIGHT. Her arrogance- it's clear to me now- was earned the hard way.

I don't know if I'm converted. I don't know if what happened today can be considered a spiritual experience. What I do know is that someday, when I'm older and the dust on my post-adolescent idealism has settled, I'll be able to tell my children and my children's children that once upon a time on a snowy winter's day in a town called New York City...for one brief moment, I too rode on the red velvet bandwagon.

Hope you're having a good day today

Love,

Damani

i had fun last night

2009-01-27T09:00:00.001-08:00

yesterday at around 4pm, molly reminded me that we had that doheny thing to go to. i was tired and had been imagining myself on the couch in my jayjays reading Watchmen. not wanting to be a big flake, i resigned myself to going. the night was super fun! that's usually how it turns out, i force myself out the door and end up having a great time.

the doheny is this bar downtown where you have to pay membership dues to get in. i've heard different prices; from $2,000/ year to $5,000/ year. i'm too lazy to look up the actual info. go to the angelenic blog for the real deal, i'm sure it's there.

for some reason doheny was open to people without membership last night. all you had to do was rsvp to the dig lounge blog. kogi truck was there, or as i refer to it, "krispy kreme of 2009." there was a huge line for food at the truck and i'll admit i had to play the bun-in-the-oven card to push ahead of my dear friends in line. mochi was so sweet, he went to the garnish table and brought me back orange wedges while i waited.

doheny was classy on the inside. i was expecting flocked damask wallpaper like the golden gopher and broadway bar so it was a nice surprise to see smooth curved wood on the wall and an unfinished loft-like ceiling. the entrance felt so special and nothing at all like other bars. for one thing doheny doesn't employ some weird guido at the door to inspect your license. once you step inside you are in a hall of mirror and glass cases of expensive hooch. it feels quiet and important. once inside the main area it's noisy just like any bar. i quite enjoyed the giant ice cube in my ginger ale even though we all agreed it enabled the bartender to cheap out on your liquor quantity.

15 weeks, 3 days

2009-01-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

yay! my belly is finally telling the world, "i'm pregnant!"

friday y and i are going to meet the new doctor. i've changed dr.s three times now. the first dr. must have said, "why are you here?" like three times in my last visit. i was almost 10 weeks and was there on a scheduled appointment. he thought i was too early in my pregnancy to be of any importance. i guess i wasn't supposed to set foot in his office until i was crowning. what an ass.

i never met the second dr., just the nurse practitioner. she was so amazing. she invited y and i to sit in her office and ask a bunch of questions. i felt so at ease with her. the problem with this situation was the hospital. the dr. only delivers at huntington memorial in pasadena. it's a super swanky regional hospital and when i first found out i was pregnant i HAD to have my baby there. i had read some internet rumor that they serve champagne after the delivery.

between dr.s one and two y and i saw the documentary, The Business of Being Born. up until i'd seen it i'd always imagined an epidural, a screaming red-faced me and hopefully a swanky hospital to have the worst day of my life in.

the documentary completely changed my ideas about labor and really empowered me to make the decision to have a natural childbirth without dr. interventions. unfortunately huntington memorial, a hospital with tons of technology is known on some of the childbirth boards to have a reputation of lots of c-sections and other interventions i wanted none of.

in the end my friend laura told me about dr. dwight at good samaritan in downtown los angeles. i'm such a hypocritical downtowner; i hadn't even checked into good sam because i thought if it was in downtown it must be ghetto. anyhow, dr. dwight and good samaritan have an excellent reputation for natural childbirth. i'm hoping that i get an ultrasound on friday, i'd love to see my little peanut.

good recipes

2008-03-18T21:20:00.001-07:00

i'm cooking the same stuff over and over again. i've been so bored of my repertoire that we've been going out to eat a lot lately. i need some good recipes that don't include a sauce with 5 ingredients i'll never use again. this recipe for halibut looks good. maybe i make.

time warner cable can go pleasure itself

2008-03-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

my cable sucks. the remote sucks. the dvr interface sucks ass. tv is brilliant and i want to watch as much as possible. tonight i tuned in to "the biggest loser" a little late, as planned, so i could fast forward through the crappy commercials. i go to "list" select "biggest loser" and NOTHING. my screen was black. i tried fast forwarding and it didn't budge through the black. SO FRUSTRATING!

right now "das boot" is on the screen. i. hate. it. there is nothing to watch right now. i'm spittin' mad over this. maybe i'll call the cable company and demand a prorated bill. they're so helpful and understanding. i'm sure they'll jump right on the problem and everything will be great. they probably won't put me on hold and have me explain the situation to several apathetic half-way housers. no, i'll get the supervisor right away and i can put away the rage for another day.

wallpaper's expensive

2007-11-15T22:08:00.001-08:00

ribbed wallpaper by Ferm

i want to paper a wall in my place. this paper is $95 big ones per roll. it would be at least $400 to cover a small wall. when i first saw this wallpaper i planned on covering the inside of my side of the closet. it's good to have a dream.

it's yummy yummy dress time

2007-11-13T00:06:00.000-08:00

susan monaco cowl mini dress

this dress is sexy. that's all i have to say. no wait i also have this to say: it reminds me of mira sorvino in summer of sam.

juicy couture mini dress

first of all I KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M POSTING A JUICY COUTURE DRESS! since the juicy line has been out i've had a place for it in my hate hotel, but look at them go with this adorable tunic dress. very redeeming for the line. could they please stop making sweat suits?

karta allover studded mini dress

hey sandy, these would be so fetching on us. i think i'm going the mini dress route this year. i'll wear the yellow one and you can wear the black one (click on the link, karta also makes this in black.) how cute will we be on new years?

i want

2007-11-12T00:35:00.001-08:00

i'm sure you can 't tell but these are the most amazing shade of blue. i saw them once and tried them on. they also make these with a taller chunky heel. i've been thinking of rewarding myself for all my efforts in working out and eating better. maybe these are the treat i've been waiting for.

i'm into lesportsac right now

2007-11-12T00:27:00.000-08:00

i like this cosmetic bag. i have a little cosmetic bag now but it is fake lesportsac and isn't as cute as this. the one i have now is yellow with black accents. i think maybe the designers of the fake bag were inspired by celia birtwell and lulu guiness but it's ugly. this litte bag is supercute and so small. perfect for my clinique double fudge and tube of carmex.

would this be weird or fabulous?

2007-11-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

this jcrew cashmere sweater underneath this plenty frock! by Tracy Reese. i just don't know. the sweater is a lot more fitted than it looks in this picture and it isn't monogrammed. i've seen black turtlenecks underneath dresses lately. it's a great look and it sort of reminds me of something that would have been worn on my all time favorite show Rhoda. holiday parties are approaching and i hate having an adorable dress hidden under my coat all night. this way i would be warm and supercute. there would also be tights with this ensemble. i was thinking black with black heels. anyone have suggestions?

this totally kiopta sweater

2007-11-06T19:28:00.000-08:00

kiopta-this is me spelling the korean word for "cute" in my own phonetic way. LOOK. AT. IT! so fricking kiopta i don't know what to do.

sorry peaches

2007-11-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

i can't believe i'm passing up the teaches of peaches right now. the show starts in like 10 minutes and i'm in my nightgown watching an iron chef repeat. bobby flay vs. too hot tamales. enough with the chipotle paste already chef flay. sunday has a paralysing effect on me. i don't know why i ever make plans to go out on sunday. peaches is probably flashing her merkin and ordering the throngs to shake their tits and i'm sitting here getting a heat rash from sitting on the couch so long.

pigeons

2007-11-03T16:27:00.001-07:00

pigeon loft by mark hearld

the pigeons in downtown los angeles are not easy on the eyes. they all have maimed feet from threads that have wound around their birdy toes and cut off circulation. i think it is the risk one takes from building a nest in the fashion district.

i once read a story in rolling stone or some other magazine that i don't read anymore about a girl who had a pigeon loft. her pigeons were crazy good at finding their way back home after being set free miles and miles away. there are competitions or pigeon races that this kid's pigeons would participate in. she had to move away and she didn't know what to do about her birds because let's say she packed them up and took them with her, they would still think of their original loft as home and would return there no matter what, whether anyone was there to feed and take care of them. so she had to cage them and not let them fly anymore. it's the only thing she could do. did anyone else read this story? it was pretty good.

print maker angie lewin

2007-11-03T16:16:00.000-07:00

angie lewin studied printmaking at st. martins college in the 1980s. i just came across her work in a misguided google search for marimekko wrapping paper. the word, "serendipity" never really applied to anything in my life before the internet. i love ms. lewin's whimsical, geometric style. there are a couple textile prints on her website but i've never seen them in a store or anything.

which color should i get?

2007-11-03T12:56:00.001-07:00

i took this sigrid olsen tote for a test drive at nordstrom the other day and was truly impressed with it. the sales lady said that when you are petite you should go for a bag that is longer rather than wider. i tried out her theory with a rather wide hobo international bag and she was totally right. i looked like a midget or an olsen twin. so now i ask you, should i get the black one or the brown?

amigurumi are go!

2007-11-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

i want to make these. jyvonne is going to teach me the delicate art of the "single crochet stitch" at brunch. it would be awesome if i could get some skills soon as christmastime is coming to town.

here's where we're going

2007-11-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

like a month and a half ago we all said we would go to brunch and learn to crochet. let's go!!! here's where we're going :tiara cafe in downtown la. no i haven't called to see if they're actually open on sundays anymore but that's beside the point! let's just show up and hope for the best. no? o.k. i'll call.

how cute would this be..

2007-11-01T00:04:00.001-07:00

jcrew's new sweatercoat is transplendent. unfortunately it is only available online so how is one to know if the buttons will bulge unflatteringly or if it will make you look as chic as this old-money-pony-riding-katie holmes-looking jcrew model? i love that it is in fact a sweater knit but has structure. i also love that it isn't like the beautiful but sort of snooty looking felted wool numbers that you can find everywhere right now. so gorgeous!

christmastime is coming to town

2007-10-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

this morning i was perusing designspongeonline.com and i found these supercute cards. check them out right here vintage angel cards designsponge posted the reindeer cards by stacey winters but these little angels give me a lovely sense of nostalgia that frankly the reindeer just couldn't deliver.