january first

ok so i know this is pretty cliche but on this first day of january, 2010, i have started a diet.  i had a dream last night that i was taking the baby weight off and i woke up feeling really hopeful.  this morning i was set on it, i decided to start weight watchers again and take off the pounds that are bringing me down.

according to ww online i am allotted 28 points each day.  when i originally took off my excess weight around 4 years ago i only got 20 points per day.  the extra 8 are for nursing moms.  i thought the extra points would feel like a nice surplus but really i'm starving just like old times.  tonight i was watching kathy griffin, "balls of steal."  she looked super skinny.  i didn't catch the whole thing but she was talking about celebrity diets, something about coke and redbull.  she said she's hungry and bitchy all the time.  it seems like this is the only way to do it.  hungry and bitchy.

i'm hungry right now.  i just had two white cheddar rice cakes and it didn't fill the hole.  hungry hungry hungry.  is it better than feeling like a fat failure?  yes.

exercise will come later, after the gnawing hunger dies down in a few days.  although yesterday and today i did about an hour of walking.  soon i'll feel ready to go to the gym and bust it on the treadmill.  right now i feel like too much of a big dumpy frump to go to the gym.  i know how backwards that logic about staying away from the gym when you really need it is but anyone who has been in my place understands that you have to feel worth it before going to the scary gym.

i used to love the gym.  it was part of my daily life.  there was a time when i went to the gym 5 times a week.  bootcamp, spin class, i did it all.  nothing scared me.  i was so fit.  i felt at home at gold's.  i know i'll be at home there again soon but not now.

i must be incredibly optimistic to post my intentions.  i'm not a failure.  when i decide to do something i do it.  i know this about myself.  when i'm ready to take something on i keep going until i've succeeded.  fitting into my old clothes is a huge HUGE thing to undertake.  i wasn't ready to make the commitment until now.  i'm back.